Be Careful About Whom You Share Your Marital Woes With

A few days ago in  a women forum, I saw a woman wonder while watching Samantha Bridal show, why, recently, there are rising cases of divorce in our country, yet marriage seems such a beautiful thing. The question of ‘if marriage is so sweet, why are so many people seeking divorce’ is becoming apparent in almost all conversations today. Yet numerous studies have been done, indicating the numerous benefits of marriage - married people live longer, enjoy better health, are happier/earn more, have more satisfying sexual relationships, raise happier and more successful children than single or divorced parents. With the benefits overweighing the costs, we would

expect every man/woman to be in marriage and not getting out of it, yet today many people prefer to remain single. And for those in marriage, there are rising issues of increased infidelity, again raising the question why married people would opt for extramarital affairs, knowing well the huge risks involved; risks of their own health, their families, status or financial resources, and further raising the issue whether most marriages are for CONVENIENCE or based on COMMITMENT. The purpose of my message today is not on marriage benefits, so I will stop there, but it is worth asking oneself a question; if for sure marriage is as good(at least since the studies have proved so) and makes people happier, why then are there, or why am  I miserable in my marriage?
Today, I want to focus on something that I have observed over a long period of time since, technology crept in our lives, notably social media, and started transforming our lives from real/actual to ‘virtual’. My life, and those of others, have been changed and are greatly impacted by social media and virtual communities, more than anyone would have ever imagined! I have always told myself  that virtual relationships are just that; meeting and connecting with people online, but since I haven’t met them, setting boundaries and limits of how I can connect or share with them, and how deep I can go in an online relationship. Being a social person offline, I have my reservations about making genuine connections with people online. To feel connected to a person, I want to see them, look in their eyes, share a smile, share an experience, laugh…in short, body language is important in my connections. This, I know, is impossible to achieve online, unless plans are ahead to meet in person. That is my personal opinion, which could hold true most but not all the time; I have made great online friendships and I know of great relationships that brewed online.

 Another thing that makes me skeptical about social media and virtual communities is that I have realized that physical (offline) interactions are more private than online ones. There is little or no privacy in the online world, and anything said in a social forum, no matter how discreet or secret the forum claims to be, is subject to publicity.
Which brings me to how most people; especially women are using social networks to share their lives with their virtual communities. Thanks to technology, our relationships have increased, and we can belong to as many virtual communities as we can.We can also talk out our hearts, share our joys/worries,recipes,parenting advice, family planning advice, and the list is endless. But it is the marital affairs that are being aired mostly on social media, which is a bit alarming.

Every day, I see women disclosing their marital troubles with members of their virtual communities. Mostly, these troubles are aired in forms of complaints or regrets, and therefore it is only human, and imperative that they share them out to a party willing to listen. We are living in difficult times where deadlines have to be met, tight schedules to be kept and families  that have to be taken care of, and the last thing I’d advise anyone is to bottle up their emotions; letting to go is not only a choice but a must do. But, while it is good to share your worries, is it good, or safe, to share them with everyone? Sometimes when I read through such posts, I feel restricted to comment, and I will tell you why. I find it unfair and inadequate to make an impartial judgment when I have only one side of the story -a story has two sides .Its only when I have the whole story, or more so if the parties involved are known to me, that I can be able to make a sound judgment. Sometimes, I do not know the intention of the person while posting; whether they need sympathy, solutions, or they want someone simply to take sides with them as a way of approving their feelings/opinions/decisions.Sometimes,the issues aired are, with all due respect, petty and can be solved with the help of the spouse concerned without involving a third party. 

There are no universal rules or guidelines that govern marriage, therefore you cannot employ what works in your friend’s marriage and expect it to work in your own. Every marriage is different, and so are the parties in it, so applying a one-size fits all may be doing more harm than good to a marriage. Perhaps it is wise to do a SWOT (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats) of your marriage to know where improvement is needed, how the strengths can be used to improve the weakness and opportunities to counter the threats. What works in Mary & John’s marriage may not work for Jane & Peter’s, just as the four are different, always keep that in mind.

Am I saying that you shouldn’t share your worries or discouraging you not to do so? Certainly not. Let us look at ways that you can do so while trading some little privacy to your life and that of your spouse and remaining loyal to yourself and to him;

1.Have a personal friend, preferably not of the opposite sex, if possible, one who knows your spouse well but does not socialize with him regularly. This one is a must; she should be MARRIED and be FOR MARRIAGE. It is in your best interest to avoid emotional affairs that mainly commence, unintentionally or intentionally, when we confide in our opposite sex friends. You also want to make sure that your best friends/family are not hearing about your marital problems and not inquiring from you.

2.Have an agreed upon mutual couple (let’s call them a mentor couple) that you can confide in, the two of you, when you need help. Make sure that your chosen friend is an empathetic listener, one you can verbalize your concerns to and understand them well. Your friend should be someone discreet, has you and your spouse’s interests at heart, and is ethical. I am sure you do not want to confide in a friend who will share your troubles with everyone in their vicinity. Having a friend who sympathizes with you is great too, as long as you do not pressure them to take sides, for example by agreeing with you that your husband is a useless, irresponsible man.After all, you and your spouse may reconcile and  get back again, while your friend may resent all the negative things she had said about him.

3.If possible, avoid sharing infidelity issues with your friends or family, no matter how difficult it may sound. Sharing your spouse’s unfaithfulness with them may harbor in them negative feelings towards him, and maybe a hindrance in saving a marriage. It is advisable to seek the help of a professional counselor while faced with infidelity issues. 

4.Never keep your marital problems, no matter how minor they may be, to yourself. Instead, choose, very carefully and wisely, a ‘safe’ personal friend or two, to whom you can confide in.

Always remain loyal while doing so, and never share things about your spouse that you wouldn’t want him to share with others about you, since no one is perfect. Sharing on social media may be the easiest option and of course you will get a lot of sympathizers, but make sure you filter the information you get from them. 

Ask yourself what your spouse would feel if he discovered how you strip him of loyalty and dignity and discuss about him with strangers, who have never met him. Ask yourself whether, if he learns about your disloyalty, he would feel guarded to share anything with you, since you will go and share with others.

Yes you can tell SOMEONE about your marital problems, but you don’t have to tell EVERYONE. Never share with outsiders things about your marriage that you haven’t talked to your spouse about. It may feel better to do so, but it may just make things worse.